to breathe me in is to dance the dance of risk,

but a risk that brings the enticing trill of the vast change,

you despise me for my lingering presence,

i may linger, but i fade from existence without giving you the chance,

to say good-bye my dear friend…

i live in nature of smoke,

to be consumed then expelled, but i tend to linger,

like our friendships that we share, we linger among them,

but we drift to disappear from sight,

away from it all,

then we are called again and we repeat the same action of desire,

now, i drift away for good,

proceeding with the next step,

will you follow me? to the next high? or chase the same,

and slip into the spiral that i can form if you choose to abuse my power,

it’s rare for you to be grateful of me,

but i respect you now for learning,

the true way i live, as it should be,

for now i must fade,

as i have my life to live out,

it was good to see you again my dear friend…

i would to express my thoughts to you. the issue that keeps coming back and knocking on my door is my oldest friend. let me explain my friend. i met him in junior high and we’ve been friends ever since. his background is a typical background for someone who lives in arizona. his father ran out on him and his mother when he was young. knowing that, you might have guess he has abandonment issues due to it. his mother used meth when he was younger and he had to grow a strong bond with his younger half brother, who i respect for someone at such a young age to be as mature as he is. well, his mother went to rehab and has been off meth for more than 4 years and counting. i’m glad that she overcame such a terrible drug. 

so let’s move on to the present. he was in a relationship with this girl who he met when i was in basic training. the couple have been on and off for around 2 years or so now, but they are over. the problem with this was that they were sleeping in the same bed, in the same room, living in an apartment with 3 of their closest friends. not me though. i was living at home and living my life. well, one day i go over to the apartment to spend time with old friends. two of them were there and they asked me to talk to them about my oldest friend. i decided to go along with it, not knowing what they were going to ask me.

they tell me that they tried everything to help him. they said that he wouldn’t listen to them without exploding and ultimately causing damage to the apartment. they asked me to help because they said that i was the only person who can talk to him without having him get angry. so i asked them what they tried and they told me everything. they told me that they are done trying. as i sat in the room, i started to think on how this can be resolved. let me explain the situation that was happening at this point. he doesn’t have a job, due to his obsession with his girlfriend. so he wasn’t able to support with rent. it got to the point that he sold me his kenwood speakers for $300 to pay rent. and he used his birthday money from his aunt to pay rent. this girl that he’s infatuated with is somewhat spoiled. i mean full blown spoiled. all she has to do for rent is to go to mommy and ask for rent money and mommy will pay it. due to she has the money and the job to support her. everyone else has a job and can pay rent. so knowing this, you know the options that are left.

so i go home and call up my best friend for help. this friend is one of my smartest friends that i can go to for something like this. after 6 hours of deliberation, we found way for him to get what he needs. we concluded that he and her needs physical separation in order to make the break-up more of a reality. he can’t move into another room and have someone else move in there with her. this is due to him having some trust issues. since he is the only one without work, he is only one who can move out. so we decided to get him out and i would let him stay with me til he found a job. after he would get a job i would give him the option to move back into the apartment or move into a new apartment to start a new life for himself. simple enough, right? turns out not so much… no, not at all.

so we decide to go get his younger brother to help us and he should be there for his support. we get together and we go pick him up from the apartment and bring him over to the comforts of my own home. we sit him down and smoked a bowl to set the mood for this intervention. i start by telling him how much i care about him and everyone over at that apartment. then i started to tell him that he was deluding himself in trying to amend something that isn’t there anymore. in doing so, he was doing damage to himself more than anything. everyone had something to tell him. so we gave him the option that he can move in with me til he got a job and then he can move out. either back to the apartment or a new one for himself. as he sat there listening to what we had to say, you can see in his face that we were talking about the truth. he understand that he was deluding himself and that he needs the physical separation to move on. but it was his decision to move out or stay and try to work something out with everyone.

we take him home the next day so he can tell everyone his plan. this didn’t go well. lot of crying and a lot of emotion was tossed around in that apartment. he packed his things and we go to my house. i get a text saying that i left my wallet there. i go back to get my wallet and started heading back when he asks me to take him to his mom’s house. now, being the adult of it all i agreed to it. this is due to me letting him make his own decisions as an adult. so i take him there and go home.

it’s been a few months now and all he was doing was moping and sulking, still trying to get her back. i would talk to him and i couldn’t talk to him about anything serious or anything that involved her. so i couldn’t really talk to him because i didn’t want him destroying my home. he still lives with his mom and now his mom is on my case.

apparently i didn’t offer him my place to stay. when i clearly did. she sits there and tells me that i made his decisions for him. first off my plan was to get him used to the fact that he’s on his own. mommy won’t hold his hand anymore. so i let him makes his own decisions, like an adult. so she sits there and tells me that i’m lying and i need to tell the truth. well i am telling the truth. i’ve been trying to help but all i get is “can you get this drug” or “can you this”. okay, i’m not some drug dealer that is going to drive someone around to pick up drugs and risk myself for your ambitions. i have more important things to worry about.

so now you know. i’ve helped him pay rent and attempted to help him move on, but as you know, you can’t force someone to move on. so now this issue is affecting my life when i have pressing matter around the corner that i have to go and take care of. do you agree that he is an adult and that he needs to do things on his own? i did. i was forced out of my house and had to find a new place to live. so i did. how is this so hard? it takes time, yes, but it’s not impossible.

To start off things is to explain myself. I am the youngest person in peer group and yet i am the most mature than the rest. this is due to the events that transpire to bring me here on this website. let me start by telling you that i was the loner in the family. more along the lines of the laughing stock of the dysfunctional family, but isn’t everyone’s family dysfunctional? i would say indeed yes due to the fact that there is no ideal family. as much as you would like the ideal family, you will never achieve this perfection. i’ve grown in a family of ten, 2 older half brothers, 3 older sisters, 2 older brothers, and 2 younger brothers. yes indeed this is a big number for a family but that is life. all my life i never found the label that society would give me, except for things like outcast, loser, waste of sperm, etc. i never cared what people thought of me, because i couldn’t deny what accusations people would place under the picture of my school yearbook. i always knew i was different, but i embrace my differences from everyone due to the fact that this is who i am. no one is like me for that sake and i want to keep it that way.

So knowing that, you should guess how i was during school. alone, in solitary confinement from what the other children call the experience of childhood. My childhood was spent escaping the binds that my older brother would place on my person. sometimes he would handcuff me to a post in the bathroom and place the key on the toilet back assembly and he forced me to stay there until i can escape. well, considering that there was only one exit i had to fight my way out. even then, it didn’t go so well for me. i would either end up back at square one or in a different place where it became more difficult to escape his torment. so i was the guinea pig for his sick designs of studying the human capacity of panic and fear.

let’s move on to my high school career. surprisingly enough i was consider the kid that might shoot up the school. though it has crossed my mind, i would never done such an act of destruction. due to the fact that it would seal my fate being labeled that. this is when i gained friends that i thought i would be accepted. but to my dismay, that wasn’t the case. being a Mormon at the time, i got ridiculed for that too. then i joined the military. as you would think, people mocked me for that and told me that i will fail and never man up to such a service. but when the day came when i had to leave my home and go out to find my place in life, sadness struck at home. my girlfriend at the time, was the only person who actually cared to see me off.

now it’s been four months and i come back to the beautiful land of arizona. and i was happy, for once everyone show their love for me and i never wanted it to end. but it did. like most things in life, it has to end. well a month later i start delving into the drug scene. i started on the famous shit called spice, when it was legal at the time, and then i tried shrooms for the first time. the experience i received from this powerful substance changed everything. though i didn’t know it at the time, i was embarking on the journey that no man would dare go unless you know how you will react to such profound manifestations of the fabrics of reality. i also started using extacy. this is when i started using drugs to block out the things i couldn’t face. yes, at the time, i was a coward to face reality. learning that my girlfriend was abusive emotionally and sexually.

it was october when i hit rock bottom. my mom was planning to disown me for my girlfriend. my older brother actually had an intervention with me due to the fact that she was killing me slowly. she text me non-stop, freak out when i didn’t reply, etc. well one night i take shrooms to trip with my friends. i sat there going through my computer when i found pictures of her. this is when the drug took hold. in my altered mind, i heard people tell me the truth about her. hearing my older brother and my mother voices echo in my head like bees on a harvest. i had to end it. the love that i thought was there was a fisaude. she didn’t love me. she dreamed of having me locked up, chained to a wall in a closet. away from everyone, forever. so the next day, i dumped her like she was a prom night dumpster baby.

now i recently came out of the closet sharing a love for both sides of the gene pool. i was still using, because i chose not to live a sober life. i find sobriety to be dull and never changing. hence why i stuck close to psychedelics. they change the world in strange ways. in doing so i take these wonderful tools to benefit myself in learning who i am. i’ve gone to the point of ego death. it’s rare to do this due to the visual’s intensity. but did i love it? yes i did! this was the moment i was looking for my whole life. the one thing that will change how i see life forever. i killed my ego by taking an extract called psilocybin. 4-PO-DMT. and i went on to see life changed to the point of no return. i was alone at one point, this is when i was tested to see how i could handle myself alone. let me tell you, it was intense. i felt as if i was in danger out in the open. so i asked my second older brother for a pick up and i got my ticket to a safe haven.

now it’s February. i meet the person of my life. the one who love the same things i do. with more to share with me. he showed me the other side of me that i knew was there, but never learned how to embrace it. we started out as a casual encounter, then it happened. we fell in love with each other. he showed me a world where people are accepted for who they are. i was happy for the first time in my life. for once i found how life can be beautiful by people seeing beyond the perceptions of their own mind. a world that the appearance was a tideous manner that society placed on us to control what they saw as fitting to their liking. well one day, i was attacked by my youngest brother, not surprised due to he has no fuse at all. so he can explode about the littlest thing. well the thing that makes it worse was the other younger one joined his side of the fight when he was using a knife to kill me. why they attacked you may ask? there are many reasons, one they didn’t like the new lifestyle i embraced. two, they were using me to support their drug habit and since i started spending time with my new love, they felt threatened. so in turn they try to erradicate the one who they were using for their gain. kinda like a “if i can’t have him, no one can” senerio. so the cops were called and they forced me to leave my mother’s home. yes, they sent me away while those two vaginas get to stay and no charges on them. eventhough they tried to kill me.

so now here we are, for the first time, i’m on my own. i live in a house that channels energy like a Tesla coil. i’m with the love of my life and i’m happy. the label i was looking for never existed. i came to realize that life has no labels. so there is no point to find one if it doesn’t exist. but if i had to give myself one, it would be called tripster. i listen to indie, techno, and psychedelic music. i trip on psychedelics for spiritual and philosophical health and my life story would be considered indie. yep… tripster